Belongingness – It’s what’s what, ya dig?

IMG_9822

Belongingness.

A simple desire that all of us crave.

Belongingness.

It’s incredibly cellular.

It’s incredibly basic.

And it can’t be denied.

Us silly humans, we strive for it, don’t we?  From an early age we know we feel something, we just can’t articulate it.

The desire, the need, the want to be a part of something…

It starts with your family unit.

Later in a life, a cause, where like minded people come together and contribute to solving a problem or enhancing something already amazing.

Maybe it could be a cycling club, a hiking group or a running community.  Or even your group fitness class you go to every day.

We search for belongingness in all of these areas.

Even at work.

But what is at the core of belongingness?  What drives that feel good, warm and fuzzy, giddy feeling?  That completeness that only belongingness gives.

It’s something I haven’t talked about in a very long time.

Because I’ve been stung.

Paralyzed.

Unable to collect myself…

You know what I mean…I can’t seem to get my shit together.  I need to stop being a sad sack and all that crap.

I’ve been so incredibly damaged by grief and sadness that I’ve turned away from my core values, my beliefs, my faith…and in recent months…

….I’ve even spent time contemplating taking my own life.  Going so far as to research ways to quietly and painlessly exit this existence.

And here’s the scary part….

It felt good to think about it because it meant that there would finally be relief from this unbelievable sadness that I have been feeling for so long.

I’ve shut my friends and family out so I’m not a burden to them and they can go on living their lives without having to worry about my sorry, emotional ass.  Because who wants to know that “person”.

There were days I was so close to making a fatal decision.

And then…

I lost my job.

I was officially at the bottom.  I had come full circle.  I just had to take one more step….I could end it.  I could make it all go away.  I could give myself peace.  It wouldn’t take long at all.  And then there would be no more pain.  It would all be over.

And then the what happened.  In a 5’1″ package, at church, on Easter Sunday, as I found my way (cautiously) back to my faith.  She put her hand on my back and prayed over me in such a powerful and selfless way, that it rocked me.

And reminded me.  Reminded me of the what.

So what is the what?  What is the thing I haven’t talked about in forever?  The root of my beliefs, my core values and my faith?  What we hear about in church every Sunday?

Love.  Plain ol’ love.

Being a part of the bigger picture.  Having a purpose to another person, or a pet, or a group of persons, or even a cause, it’s what our cells need and want.

The beauty of belongingness is that it’s not geographical.  It’s found in the heart.  It goes with you wherever you are.

Even when you try to ignore it.  Or when life becomes skewed.  Unrealistic. Slanted.  Distorted.  Unlivable.

If you just hold on tight enough, it will come back around.

Do I have belongingness?

With God’s great glory, emphatically…..

Yes , I do ❤

Am I going to be okay?

I hope so.  I have a long way to go.

I have some things to fix before I’m solid again.

There are some wounds that need to finish healing.

But one thing is for certain…..

I won’t be buying charcoal any time soon!

Until next time…

Love, Jeni

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s