I am her daughter…

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Roberta L. Starzynski Collier (Sept 21, 1933 – June 20, 2007)

Mother’s Day is tomorrow.  It’s not really my favorite day of the year.  Anymore.  Not since my Mom died.  In fact, most major holidays pretty much suck the big one for me, because the one person I want to be with the most isn’t here anymore.

Loss.  Grief.  Missing someone.  It’s a funny thing.  The process is so incredibly different for everyone.  The pain, for sure, never goes away.  You kind of just get numb.  You know the day you’re dreading (their birthday, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Christmas, blah, fucking, blah blah blah) is coming and you begin to change.  You get a little edgy.  You’re quicker to cry when the Barista at Starbucks makes your double tall, six pump, no foam, vanilla latte WITH foam!  ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

It’s like all the emotions you’re feeling are charging at you like an angry, raging bull in Pamplona looking for the nearest, slowest runner to trample.  That would be me the last few days.

But, I digress.  Let me pull my big girl panties up now.  Sheesh!  Get your shit together already girl!

I could go on and on about how wonderful and awesome and amazing my Mom was.  I could tell a thousand stories of all the great “Mom” things she did with me and all the things she taught me.

I won’t though.

I don’t need to.

Because she’s lives in me and walks with me every day.

And tomorrow morning I will meet her along the river front in Cold Spring, like I have done every single year, for eight years on Mother’s Day since her death.  I will sit and feel the breeze that is her love swirl all around me.  I will offer her beautiful flowers to the awaiting currents of the Hudson River.  I’ll drink my coffee and talk to her about what has been going on in my life.  I’ll close my eyes and turn my face up to feel the heat of the sun and know that she is sitting right beside me, feeling all my love for her.  I always tell myself I won’t cry.  That it’s not really goodbye, because we will be reunited again in Heaven.  But the tears will come, I know.  And it will be ok, because she will be comforting me, like she’s always done, in her quiet, Mom way.

I am her daughter.  Her Jennifer Sarah.  Her Jeni Bear.  Always.

I carry her legacy inside me and as long as I’m alive, so too will her memory be.

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Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven, Mom ❤

Love, Jeni

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13 thoughts on “I am her daughter…

  1. You ARE her daughter. Her magnificent loving fearless loyal brilliant daughter. You have her sparkle. Sparkle on sweetie. Tiaras in Heaven every day for Sweet Tusia and Thea. I know they watch over us in amazement and pride every day. Love you. Always will. You inspire me to be and do greater and greater things. We are in this. Soul sister. Never doubt that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You would have loved her, and she you. An amazing woman, a lover of poetry, short stories and Shakespeare. She was my anchor. Now she’s my guardian angel ❤

      Like

  2. A wonderful tribute to your Mum. Let us hope that we can all aspire to reach such a level that, after we have gone, we too will be remembered with such feelings. I have lost both my parents and a sister and, amidst all the emotions that go along with such losses, there is the reinforcement that we only have one life and that one life can be used up in so many ways. My losses tell me to determine where my sensitivities and/ or strengths lay, and put my ever decreasing “bank” of time into those areas. I have no intention of putting myself in a situation where I look back and say “I wish that I had ……………” or “If only I had………………………..” or “Perhaps I should have …………………”
    When my time comes, I hope that I will be missed by many people. I also hope that my daughter will remember me as affectionately as you remember your Mum.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. For the record, I am Colin. Ray is a 75lb bundle of affection with big feet. He is also a total klutz so letting him near a keyboard is a recipe for disaster. While I have your attention, you are apparently out latest Follower! Thank you so much. We (Ray and I) hope you get as much pleasure out of reading our Posts, as we get out of creating them. (Ray only provides ideas for the Dog Stories category …….. but you will probably figure that out anyway! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Phew! I’m glad you cleared that about because I was feeling a little jealous that you had such a talented dog while my lazy chihwahwah does nothing but sleep and eat 😀 😉 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for your like
    Love the piece on your mother a lot of emotion,it’s love like that that only helps us to grow and be strong
    A mother’s love is something that is very special
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sheldon, you’re quite welcome! You are incredibly talented!

      My Mom was a lover and writer of poetry and I feel a connection to her through your verse ❤️

      Thank you for your valuable and candid feedback for “I Am Her Daughter”. I can only hope I am making her proud in Heaven.

      Blessings to you ❤️

      Like

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